Toasts and Roasts

There's nothing I love more than a good toast! In my family we toast to everything and at almost every meal. For us a toast can be as simple as a quick cheers before dinner, or a more traditional soliloquy during a formal celebration, either way, we're clinking glasses, a tradition that no one loves more currently, than my one year old.

Since toasts go hand in hand with weddings, it may come as a surprise that there was only one at my wedding, and it was given by my husband and I. While this decision made sense for us personally, I have shared the reasoning with countless friends, family and clients who have followed suit.

My personal belief, is that there needs to be one, at a maximum two speeches given at a wedding: a welcome by the host, and a thank you by the couple. That's it. Why those two? Because your guests have gone out of their way to be present for this major moment in your life. Some of them have gone to great expenses to travel, they've spent time and money getting dressed up, they've brought gifts, maybe made arrangements for childcare, if nothing else they have chosen to spend one of only 52 Saturday (or Friday, or Sunday) nights in a year celebrating you. So whether they are your closest friend or your third cousins plus one, the effort that they've made on your behalf needs to be recognized.

When working on the timeline for my own wedding, I had to give credence to the fact that my parents, who hosted the celebration, preferred not to speak at the reception. My father is a man of very few words and my mother hates public speaking and is a huge crier which is not a good combo in a room full of 200+ people. For them, the pressure of speaking would have taken away from their enjoyment of the evening. So in lieu of a welcome toast, we had our bandleader give an informal welcome at the start of the night, and my husband and I chose to thank my parents for hosting and our guests for celebrating with us after we cut our cake. For us it was also a perfect segue into the bands rendition of "She's Always a Woman" by Billy Joel, a nod to my parents first dance at their wedding, and our now shared anniversary.

What about the Maid of Honor and Best Man? My husbands family? Are those speeches your favorite part of a wedding? They are, or at least they were, my husbands too. Truth be told, I love them as well, if and only if, I know the couple really really really well. I have been to a million weddings, and I've heard my fair share of toasts and speeches delivered by anyone from drunken bros and giggling bffs, to socialites, celebs and esteemed CEOs. That said, I've been to exactly one wedding where I thought the Maid of Honor absolutely crushed it (I'm looking at you #carasaysidrewonthebayou). This particular MOH sounded like a stand up comedian and the whole room was laughing as if on cue; the other 99% of the time, the speeches go on for too long, you can't hear over peoples "whispered" side conversations, you don't get the inside jokes, you don't empathize with the tears, or you do but you were really hoping to avoid ruining your makeup, and whoever is giving them has either had too much to drink to be speaking publicly or hasn't been able to truly relax until the speech is done which, depending upon how your timing runs, can be more than halfway through the night. In my personal opinion, I just think that there is better use of the preciously short amount of time that you have at a wedding reception.

Don't worry, I'm not a heartless savage, I'm not suggesting you forego toasts altogether, I'm just saying that perhaps there is a better place and time to give them, and that, in my opinion, is at the Rehearsal Dinner. During a wedding your guests are up and down for food service, there are lulls for special dances and cake cuttings, the night, when properly timed (INSERT SHAMELESS PLUG FOR MY TIMELINE SERVICES) has natural ebbs and flows. But the Rehearsal Dinner does not, you have two families and a bridal party full of friends and dates who are gathering for perhaps the first time as a whole, you may have a cocktail hour, a few cases of wine, or even an open bar (FYI I have thoughts on this too) to loosen things up a bit, but there is no real agenda for the evening and not much to fill the time, unless perhaps you've planned a photo montage of your relationship which I've seen, however THIS IS A GREAT TIME FOR SPEECHES!!!

Open the night with a welcome from the host followed by the Maid of Honor and Best Man, but you don't have to stop there! Have your siblings speak, other members of the bridal party, close family members, you've got nothing but time. The best part is that the people at this dinner really know you, as individuals and as a couple, and they actually care about the funny jokes and heartfelt memories, they're not going to talk amongst themselves and they're actually going to enjoy the night.

If you go this route you can be as formal or informal as you'd like. Often I suggest choosing a friend to play MC for the evening, and as a courtesy, giving guests a heads up that they'll have the opportunity to say a few words so they are able to collect their thoughts in advance. However letting things flow naturally has it's advantages as well. Almost everyone in the room spoke at my Rehearsal Dinner, but some of the most memorable moments for me were an impromptu, end of the night speech by my teary eyed father, and a toast by my previously shy and quiet teenage nephew who shared with my guests that I was the most awesome aunt who gives the best presents.

Now what if your concern is not having the important speeches documented? Talk to your videographer about additional coverage, ask a family member to record on their iphone, or just ask your Best Man and Maid of Honor for a copy. I promise you won't be disappointed if you go this route and not one guest will miss this formality on your wedding night, my husband didn't.

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